I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
