she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
