she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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