theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
