Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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