Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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