Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
