Even the bartender felt bad for me
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
