mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
