Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
