dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
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And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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