Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
