I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize