dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
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