I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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