My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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