Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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