you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
