around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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