Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
