There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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