i wish starbucks made bloody marys
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
