I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
