everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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