I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
