cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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