this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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