My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
