My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
zippers are such a cool invention
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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