You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
