well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
