This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
