I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
