I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I could make wine with my vomit
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
