If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You pole danced in your parka.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
