Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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