when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you had me at cake vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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