he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
