She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
