did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
