you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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