We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
