Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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