dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
