It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Found the puke drawer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
