Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
