You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
