what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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