she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
