I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
