Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
