i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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