I'm sorry my penis didn't work
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
