fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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