I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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