Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
