When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Drake has all the answers
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
