did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
