I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
