dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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