I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
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I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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